Kezie, Contributor to Moving, for You: A Tribute to Empathy
Learning to simply let go…
We have these ideas and expectations of how things should be at any point in time and then when it happens it’s a totally different story. You picture yourself getting married; what you would like it to be like; your ideal relationship; family relationship but then reality hits you. Then you adjust to it and readjust your expectations or standards and settle for way less because you think that that’s all that is out here. You look around and see not one successful marriage; two people who unconditionally love each other and are 100% committed to each other respecting the sanctity of marriage, growing old together. So you readjust your expectations and standards to accept anything; compromise your own values because you think maybe this is the closest thing I’m going to get to true happiness with that other person. You invest so much time. So much effort. So much hurt. So much selflessness. So much sacrifice. Dark bags below your eyes and you don’t recognize yourself anymore. The happy person who always smiles; even got the nickname “Smiley” from the field hockey team back in school. One day you just had enough after three years together and one of marriage something that once seemed worth fighting for you are just ready to give up. Pack your things and walk away. You look the person in the eye and tell them you are leaving. Will you continue to gamble? You look me in the eye and say yes. I then say I’m leaving. But you ask me to stay because you are going to rehab. You go to rehab for all the wrong reasons and I am left forcing myself to be there every day for another eight months. 100% faithful; respecting all marriage vows but my heart is no longer there. So I just don’t care anymore what happens. Only to find out after the eight months that you have been cheating on me, which I already knew but was willing to forgive and move on together once you were also willing. Again, it was so hard to walk away from all that investment and sacrifice to build something that you once had so much faith in. But you tell me about this one person who means the world to you and it became serious. You show no remorse for your actions and I just want to kill you. Literally. You don’t know what to do and tell me you still want to be married to me but don’t want to end it with her. I lay on the bed that morning looking you in the eye and feeling like someone just stabbed me in the chest. It felt cold, like you literally stabbed me with a knife and the more details came, the worse it felt. It was like you twisted the knife and shoved it in deeper into my heart. I think even though I was always aware of the gambling and cheating and most certainly the lying, I just tossed all that to the side and tried to make the most of what I had already invested so much in. The hardest part of all this was letting it go. After I put so much into this relationship and marriage to just leave it all behind. It meant a lot to me; my hard work that is. It took so much from me. But when you confessed it made it a lot easier for me to move out and move on. Now I am me. I have found myself and found out how to make myself happy. I have trashed you so much in my writing and it’s funny how much that has helped, because talking to you just makes things nasty between us, and, quite frankly, I just want my divorce, so I’m trying to keep the peace. And you are just still so wrapped up in yourself that you will never understand anything outside of what interests you or satisfies you. You self-serving bastard. Instead, you will continue to be arrogant and aggressive in the way you speak. I remember the few good memories or things I liked like the way you would call me “Indian.” But I have to let go of the good and the bad. You are now a part of my past. So here I am letting go…
Calligraphy by Amorosa5